Wednesday, April 07, 2004

 
I Watched Gigli, and it was Really Bad

Hello all. If you're wondering about the title, well, it serves two purposes. One, it's a reference to the comic strip Jim's Journal, one of my all-time favorites. If you're familiar with the strip, you'll recognize its matter-of-fact tone which I shamelessly ripped off. Anyhow, I just recently re-read my Jim's Journal treasury and was reminded how awesome it was. So that's that. The other reason for the title is that: I watched Gigli, and it was really bad.

A word of explanation: a little over a month ago, I secured a part-time position in the exciting world of retail video/DVD rentals. I like the job a lot, and probably what I like best is that employees get free rentals. Hooray! I thought to myself--now, I can watch all those movies I've always wanted to see!

Well, it didn't take long for me to abuse that little perk. A few weeks after I started working there, Mrs. Helmet Head (that's right, she deserves part of the blame for this, too) and I were looking for titles to rent, and we stumbled across Gigli. Immediately we became drunk with the idea that we could rent this movie for free (and therefore, not feel bad about wasting money to see a horrendous film), and we talked ourselves into doing it: "It's probably so bad, it's hilarious!" "Let's watch it!" "Yay! We'll never regret doing this!"

Long story short: Gigli is not so bad it's funny (as I had hoped). It's just bad.

Really, really, REALLY painfully bad.

It's so bad that even cameos from Christopher Walken and Al Pacino couldn't save it.

Gigli is so bad that Mrs. Helmet Head and I actually had quite a lengthy discussion the day after we watched it about how the movie possibly could've been salvaged. Would it have worked with different actors? A slightly retooled script?

After a long talk, we finally reached the conclusion that the only situation in which Gigli would've been successful would have been if the movie were released in the alternate universe of Sucktonia, where everything is opposite, and things that suck are great.

Then it occurred to me that I was thinking more about Gigli than I was about movies I'd seen that I actually liked. A lot more.

And why was I so concerned with ways to save what was obviously an unsaveable train wreck of a movie, anyway? What was happening to me?

Damn you, Gigli! What've you done to me?!? DAMN YOU TO HELL!

Regards,

Helmet Head
posted by Brian 9:07 AM