Saturday, November 20, 2004

 
THEY COME IN THREES...

Celebrity s, that is. This past week and a half must've been a field day for conspiracy theorists, what with the s of Yasir Arafat and O.D.B. There will probably be people out there who will insist for the next fifty years that these two are still alive and well and relaxing somewhere on the island nation of Fiji.

People like me, for example.

But that's not what's important. What's important is putting bets on who's going to complete the latest celebrity triumvirate.

If you ask me, the smart money is on Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

Anyhow, I haven't mentioned this lately, so I'll do it now (if you can click away from that photo of Jonathan Taylor Thomas long enough to read this, that is).

You really should go visit Tundra Boy and Skinny D, because they always have something interesting to say, and especially since Skinny just recently joined the Old Club. I feel for ya, man. I joined the club myself back in August. Oh well...at least we're that much closer to getting our AARP cards...

Regards,

Helmet Head



posted by Brian 10:42 AM

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

 
NEWSFLASH!

I just now saw, via Yahoo, that Jude Law was named "Sexiest Man Alive" by People magazine.

Oh well...maybe next year will be Dick Van Patten's year.

sigh...

Regards,

Helmet Head

posted by Brian 7:23 PM

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

 
HELMET HEAD'S ELECTION NIGHT DIARY, part II: Attack of the "Moral Values"

10:20--I come back from getting coffee, and on ABC, Jennings asks guest John McCain: "Do you ever feel used by the President?" Ouch.

Meanwhile, Jake Tapper is really bored.

10:30--Back to CBS. In the Illinois Senate race, Barack Obama has 74% of the vote to Alan Keyes' 23%. Keyes notes that he himself has not yet voted, which will swing things his way.

10:45--On ABC, Richard Clarke and Richard Perle are debating the war on . YES! It's time for an ideological SMACK-DOWN!

...but actually, it ends up being really boring.

10:55--Local (South Carolina) affiliates cut away from national coverage to broadcast the acceptance speech of Jim DeMint, Republican Senate candidate. He is very arrogant, and actually refers to his campaign with the words "mission accomplished" no less than three times. I think, in the post-Bush-in-a-flight-suit-on-an-aircraft-carrier world, Republicans should be banned from using the words "mission" and "accomplished" in the same sentence.

The networks then cut to Democrat Inez Tenenbaum's concession speech, where there is a visibly drunk woman standing right over Tenenbaum's left shoulder. Later, when the station cuts back to this scene, some big guy in a suit is standing in that place, obviously to block the drunk woman from the camera. Awesome.

11:10--On CBS, they announce that all of the polls are closed except in Alaska. Kerry, in a moment of exhaustion, announces that he'll carry Alaska and thus, the country.

The networks go back to local coverage, which is mostly boring county council seat races. I switch to Fox and watch a Seinfeld re-run (the one with the obsessed mechanic (Brad Garrett, in his pre-Everybody Loves Raymond days) who steals Jerry's car with JFK's golf clubs in it that Elaine bought at auction for J. Peterman, and Kramer and Newman trail him in the mail truck which they're illegally using to ship cans and bottles for recycling. Kramer has the best line: "We're on him like stink on a monkey!").

Coincidentally, Kerry says the exact same thing about Bush when exit polls early in the day show him in the lead.

11:35--Back to ABC. Tavis Smiley has a good line about the preponderance of ballot initiatives in CA, saying that the California legislators are passing their jobs (legislating) off onto the voters.

Shortly thereafter, Bush is the projected winner in FL, both on ABC and CBS. CRAP!

Meanwhile, back in Illinois, Barack Obama has 72% of the vote to Alan Keyes' 25%. Keyes says he will not concede until all of the votes are counted in the panhandle region of the state, which falls in a different time zone. When told no such region exists, Keyes says "Okey-dokey," and promptly concedes.

12:20--It is now the consensus that Kerry must win Ohio or he's doomed.

On CBS, Dan Rather finally unleashes a crazy line. While talking to Joe Lockhart, former Clinton press secretary and current Kerry campaign advisor, Rather says, "I'm sure you'd rather walk through a furnace in a gasoline suit than concede Ohio." Lockhart looks exhausted, and seems simultaneously amused and puzzled by the prospect of wearing a gasoline suit.

Shortly after this, John Edwards makes an appearance onstage in Boston, where he thanks the crowd and tells them, "We're not giving up until every vote is counted!"

Oh, holy freakin' crap--isn't that what both sides were saying at this time four years ago?

Alas, it was not to be. By the following afternoon, Kerry had officially conceded. The following is the full transcript of his concession speech:

"My fellow Americans: I totally didn't realize that most of you d gays and abortion so much. My bad."

Regards,

Helmet Head

posted by Brian 6:48 PM

Saturday, November 06, 2004

 
Happy Saturday After Election Day!

Hey all. Well, it's time to dust off the ol' blog again and check in (note to self: add "dust off the ol' blog" to list of phrases that sound dirty but aren't).

Well, a lot's been happening since I last wrote, but I'll not bore you with the details. As mentioned in a previous post, the missus and I moved a few months back. That's all well and good, so nothing new to report there.

Instead, I'll bore you about a completely different subject: this past week's election.

First, some background: since our move, we've been trying to live simply (i.e., eliminate extra costs/bills). One of the ways we've done this is by not having a TV, or, more specifically, having a TV but not having cable or satellite TV, eliminating having to pay for those services. (We do have one of those newfangled "VCRs" hooked up to the TV; someday, we'll spring for a DVD player and make the leap forward to 1997). Anyhow, since we've been here, I've been relying on the local NPR News radio station to keep me up-to-date with the world.

Unfortunately, the other week, this station's signal inexplicably cut out, cutting me off from the world's "breaking news" (for example, I didn't know that the Boston Red Sox had won the World Series until several days after it happened).

Living this way was making me irritable, so I broke down this week and bought an antenna for the TV so I could at least get some network stations. This is how much of a nerd I am: most people would buy a TV antenna in order to get reception for the Super Bowl or some such event; I got an antenna to watch election returns.

ANYhoo, I watched said election returns, so here, for no reason at all, are the notes I kept while watching:

HELMET HEAD'S ELECTION NIGHT DIARY: NOV. 2ND, 2004

9 pm--The TV antenna picks up ABC, CBS, UPN, and Fox. Fox and UPN don't have continuous coverage of the election (actually, UPN doesn't have any coverage at all, opting instead for re-runs of Fear Factor. This leads me to conclude that, no matter who wins the election, one thing will remain unchanged: Fear Factor is an incredibly stupid TV show).

CBS reports that Bush is ahead, 162 electoral votes to 112 for Kerry. I'm keeping a close eye on CBS so that I don't miss any crazy quotes from Dan Rather. None so far. However, CBS does have awesome Republican and Democrat icons featuring a red, white, and blue CG elephant and donkey running in place inside a white circle.

CBS also has Lesley Stahl keeping track of various Senate races around the country. She is paying close attention to one of the bigger upsets of the night. I refer, of course, to what will become the shocking defeat of Alan Keyes at the hands of Barack Obama for the Senate seat in Illinois. It is widely agreed that every possible election outcome game-planned by the Republicans assumed that there would be a Keyes-dominated Senate. Much hand-wringing ensues.

P.S.--Lesley Stahl has crazy hair.

9:10--I switch over to ABC, helmed by Peter Jennings, who is being quite snarky. For example, in discussing the Senate race in South Dakota, Jennings mentions that Tom Daschle's campaign has been stressing his influence as Minority Leader. Jennings tells the American public that Daschle has been touting the (actual quote from Jennings here) "'benefits,' by which he means, 'pork,'" of his standing in the Senate. Funny.

Jennings is joined by George Stephanopoulos, who looks like Alex P. Keaton and sits there offering nuggets of wisdom such as "Peter, I think the winner of this election will be the candidate who gets 270 electoral votes." Thanks, George!

I switch back to CBS. Dan Rather calls the state of Kentucky for Bush. Kerry's people briefly consider conceding, devastated by the loss of the Billy Ray Cyrus vote.

In Arizona, John McCain is easily beating his challenger, a man named Stuart Starkey (the love child of Stuart Smalley and Ringo Starr)?

9:40--Back to ABC. Jennings reports that Bush's people are releasing some video taken of the President earlier in the day. What is it? A speech? Jennings can't shut up about how unusual and unprecedented this is.

While waiting for the mysterious video to surface, Jennings makes small talk with ABC's "cool kids' table:" Cokie Roberts, George F. Will, and Fareed Zakaria. I've long been fascinated with George F. Will. I think it all started in 1987, the year he was named People magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive." Will mentions that the Bush camp is not only hoping to win, but also hoping to get more than 50% of the popular vote (which they infamously didn't do four years ago). This, says Will, would add an "enhanced infusion of legitimacy" to a second Bush term. This phrase was obviously some sort of ual reference masking as punditry. George F. Will, you dog!

9:50--The mysterious video of Bush appears. It is Bush sitting in the White House, surrounded by family and smirking while watching election returns. There is no sound on the video, which makes it so pointless and stupid that they might as well have shown a video of a monkey dancing to Fatboy Slim records. Besides, people may have thought it was Bush anyway (and if you think that's mean, you obviously have never visited bushorchimp.com).

10:00--ABC calls Utah for Bush. Kerry is now doomed.

Tavis Smiley makes an appearance and talks about how the Democrats take the African American vote for granted. True, but understandable considering that a grand total of three African Americans voted for Bush in 2000.

10:15--Back to CBS. Correspondent John Roberts is at the "CBS Election Center," which sounds about as real of a place as "Shining Time Station." He is manning a supercomputer I decided to dub the "Useless Data-Tron 2000." A sampling of its insights:

"As you can see from this map, 75% of voters in Cleveland, Ohio who disapproved of Ashlee Simpson lip-synching on Saturday Night Live also disapprove of John Edwards as Kerry's running mate. This can mean only one thing: The candidate who gets 270 electoral votes will win the election."

Meanwhile Bob Schieffer, analyst for CBS, is obviously trying to keep up with George F. Will. In explaining why Kerry lost the state of Missouri to Bush, he repeatedly describes Kerry's decision to back off campaigning in that state several weeks ago as "pulling out early." Naughty!

OK peeps, at this point there's still more (as you know), but I'll not bore you with it right now. Stay tuned for another post here soon (or not) in part two of my election night diary, entitled We Thought It Was Going to be Another 2000 Election but It Wasn't, Even Though It Was Pretty Close.

(Note to self: re-think title of part two of the diary).

Regards,

Helmet Head

posted by Brian 11:30 AM