Wednesday, November 10, 2004

 
HELMET HEAD'S ELECTION NIGHT DIARY, part II: Attack of the "Moral Values"

10:20--I come back from getting coffee, and on ABC, Jennings asks guest John McCain: "Do you ever feel used by the President?" Ouch.

Meanwhile, Jake Tapper is really bored.

10:30--Back to CBS. In the Illinois Senate race, Barack Obama has 74% of the vote to Alan Keyes' 23%. Keyes notes that he himself has not yet voted, which will swing things his way.

10:45--On ABC, Richard Clarke and Richard Perle are debating the war on . YES! It's time for an ideological SMACK-DOWN!

...but actually, it ends up being really boring.

10:55--Local (South Carolina) affiliates cut away from national coverage to broadcast the acceptance speech of Jim DeMint, Republican Senate candidate. He is very arrogant, and actually refers to his campaign with the words "mission accomplished" no less than three times. I think, in the post-Bush-in-a-flight-suit-on-an-aircraft-carrier world, Republicans should be banned from using the words "mission" and "accomplished" in the same sentence.

The networks then cut to Democrat Inez Tenenbaum's concession speech, where there is a visibly drunk woman standing right over Tenenbaum's left shoulder. Later, when the station cuts back to this scene, some big guy in a suit is standing in that place, obviously to block the drunk woman from the camera. Awesome.

11:10--On CBS, they announce that all of the polls are closed except in Alaska. Kerry, in a moment of exhaustion, announces that he'll carry Alaska and thus, the country.

The networks go back to local coverage, which is mostly boring county council seat races. I switch to Fox and watch a Seinfeld re-run (the one with the obsessed mechanic (Brad Garrett, in his pre-Everybody Loves Raymond days) who steals Jerry's car with JFK's golf clubs in it that Elaine bought at auction for J. Peterman, and Kramer and Newman trail him in the mail truck which they're illegally using to ship cans and bottles for recycling. Kramer has the best line: "We're on him like stink on a monkey!").

Coincidentally, Kerry says the exact same thing about Bush when exit polls early in the day show him in the lead.

11:35--Back to ABC. Tavis Smiley has a good line about the preponderance of ballot initiatives in CA, saying that the California legislators are passing their jobs (legislating) off onto the voters.

Shortly thereafter, Bush is the projected winner in FL, both on ABC and CBS. CRAP!

Meanwhile, back in Illinois, Barack Obama has 72% of the vote to Alan Keyes' 25%. Keyes says he will not concede until all of the votes are counted in the panhandle region of the state, which falls in a different time zone. When told no such region exists, Keyes says "Okey-dokey," and promptly concedes.

12:20--It is now the consensus that Kerry must win Ohio or he's doomed.

On CBS, Dan Rather finally unleashes a crazy line. While talking to Joe Lockhart, former Clinton press secretary and current Kerry campaign advisor, Rather says, "I'm sure you'd rather walk through a furnace in a gasoline suit than concede Ohio." Lockhart looks exhausted, and seems simultaneously amused and puzzled by the prospect of wearing a gasoline suit.

Shortly after this, John Edwards makes an appearance onstage in Boston, where he thanks the crowd and tells them, "We're not giving up until every vote is counted!"

Oh, holy freakin' crap--isn't that what both sides were saying at this time four years ago?

Alas, it was not to be. By the following afternoon, Kerry had officially conceded. The following is the full transcript of his concession speech:

"My fellow Americans: I totally didn't realize that most of you d gays and abortion so much. My bad."

Regards,

Helmet Head

posted by Brian 6:48 PM